Guilt

All these years I have wondered how all those girls....and boys....can just stick their fingers in their throats after a meal and throw it up. I have always felt pity for this girls because I always thought it was just incredibly sad to reach such a state. It wasn't just the fact that they induced the vomiting or that they looked sickly skinny, it was why the did it that bothered me the most.

All these years, even though I was battling my own demons, I thought I was above all that, I thought I knew better than that. But I guess everyone feels that way before they realize they have a problem. Well, there is nothing more humbling that falling as low as you never thought you would. Today was that day for me. I am not proud of this, in fact, I am ashamed. I tried so hard to lose weight the right way and I succeeded but I still have cravings. Tonight I had a burger and I felt to gross and guilty that not only did I think about throwing up but I actually tried. I tried for a few minutes but I just couldn't make myself puke. Then I sat down on the toilet, face red and eyes full of tears, wondering what the hell I had done. Me? How could I have? But the truth is that, successful or not, I tried and in my mind I have become "one of those girls" Will I try it again? Who knows, but to be honest, I don't know if I felt more guilt for eating the burger or for trying to purge.